Many trans women and cisgender men already share strong, loving relationships — ones filled with joy, care, and community. But negative attitudes toward trans women and their partners still take a toll. Shame, silence, and stigma can contribute to some cis men choosing not to treat trans women with the respect that they deserve or using violence in their relationships. Families, friends and communities can play vital roles in supporting these relationships, but sadly this support isn’t always there.

That’s why Transfemme was created — a website by the Zoe Belle Gender Collective, co-designed with trans women, trans feminine people and cis men to make these relationships safer, healthier, and more visible.

“This work comes from our own lives,” says Starlady, activist, artist, and Director at the Zoe Belle Gender Collective. “Unfortunately many trans women and trans feminine people, including myself, have had too many negative experiences in dating or hooking-up with cis guys. I just felt really isolated and unsupported because there just weren’t any resources to support trans women — or the men we were dating. So collectively we decided to make one.”

Practical guidance, prevention, possibility

The Transfemme website offers practical guidance for both trans women and cis, straight and bi+ men. It speaks to the realities of dating in these relationships — how to talk about bodies, sex, and intimacy respectfully; how to navigate shame and stigma; and how to challenge harmful ideas learned from society and media.

Every section is grounded in lived experience. There are personal stories, quotes, and plain-language guidance covering everything from consent to communication.

“Men who are dating trans women might not be connected to queer communities,” Starlady explains. “They might have no idea about trans and gender diverse culture, inclusive language or how to communicate respectfully. This is a place they can go and learn without feeling judged.”

The work doesn’t stop with couples. For Star Lady, Transfemme is just as much about the community that surrounds them. The website also speaks directly to families and friends, and to professionals.

“One of the simplest things any of us can do is say to the cis men in our lives: ‘It doesn’t matter who you love, whether that’s women, men or trans and gender diverse people. What matters to me is that your relationships are healthy, respectful and loving. Reach out to me if you ever want to talk.’”

It opens the door for conversations and breaks down expectations in our society of who men are supposed to love.”

Transfemme also brings in voices from across cultures – from Samoan fa’afafine to Vietnamese trans women – to reflect a broader spectrum of experiences, not just white or Western ones.

“We wanted Transfemme to honour the range of identities and cultures that shape how people experience gender, family, and love.”

Interrupting shame, making love visible

A recurring theme in the interviews that shaped Transfemme was shame and how it moves between people.

“Men who date or hookup with trans women sometimes feel confused about their sexuality, especially straight men,” Starlady says. “For some men these questions about their sexuality and what it means to be a man can lead to an internal crisis or feelings of shame. If they don’t have anyone to talk to or know how to unpack these feelings they may project that shame back onto trans women — and that can lead to emotional or physical harm.”

“These early opportunities for intervening aren’t about blaming men,” Starlady explains. “It’s about helping them to be comfortable with themselves and their relationships. Trans women deserve relationships that are open, safe, and proud.”

Visibility was another core topic for trans women.

“A lot of trans women talked about challenges in accessing public relationships— where men keep the relationship discrete or secret such as limiting meeting to private residences and or refuse to introduce trans women to friends and family,” says Starlady. “That kind of secrecy wears you down. It affects your confidence, your safety, your sense of self-worth.”

“There’s a lot of pressure on trans women to pass as cisgender and meet really narrow beauty standards, especially from men. Hearing from other trans women about their experiences, how they navigate their relationships and resist negative attitudes was really empowering for me,” she says. “We all deserve to be loved, access public relationships and have our relationships celebrated by others.”

Transfemme includes resources that speak directly to these issues for trans women— how to set boundaries, recognise red flags, and rebuild self-worth after experiencing secrecy or objectification.

“Intimacy, love, care — they’re fundamental human needs,” says Starlady. “When trans women are denied those things or made to feel they only deserve them in private, it has real impacts on our mental health and wellbeing.”

A community-led project

Transfemme began as part of a violence prevention pilot, but it’s ultimately a community-led project built from lived experience, trust, and countless conversations.

“Healthy relationships don’t happen by accident or in isolation,” says Starlady. “They happen when we talk, when we listen, when we learn and when we actively support healthy relationships for everyone. And Transfemme is just one way of starting that conversation.”